Lammas 96

Is this the Face of the Goddess?

by Aine Arthen

She sits opposite me in the circle. Although the room is well lit, her face is shrouded in fear. Her features are distorted and misaligned as she describes in detail what happened to her last night. There are tears in my eyes as I listen to the story. She shows us the bruises on her arms made in such a way so that her regular clothes will cover them up. Some of them are yellow with age, some fresh purple. She paints her face to hide the bruises. "Why the face, now?" I ask. "He lost control", she says. I wince.

She begs us not to tell. She is putting her trust in this coven by telling us, she says. She doesn't know what will happen next. Her fear is agonizing to watch. We beg her to get help. We offer our homes as safety - even when we know, by doing so, we are putting ourselves on the line. What else can we do?

She is deeply ashamed. She blames herself for the beatings. She has an arsenal of excuses. She doesn't want to get him in trouble. She loves him. "He doesn't mean it. He's trying to change" she says. Then the denial sets in and she will no longer talk about the abuse with most of us. "He's really changed" she says, "You haven't given him a chance," Then finally, "We put that behind us, together, he's promised not to do it again." We wait and see if this is true. The fresh bruises show the pattern of the promise being broken over and over again. We are afraid for her.

At the risk of alienating her entirely, we urge them both into counseling. They go. We try to set some limits. Many of us fear that if we force him out of the coven she will leave with him. We fear what will happen if our support is cut off from her. With the help from battered woman's services, we do what we can, waiting, hoping, caring for them both.

Finally she confronts him on his other problems. We are there when he is confronted directly. He courageously admits the problem, the drinking, the womanizing and the angry fits of rage that send him spinning into violence. I see the self loathing and fear on his face. I realize this is not who he wants to be. I pity him. I fear him. I care about him. He's very charming and talented. He has such potential. He's as human as I am, yet, I can't ignore the violence he's done and continues to do. He needs to heal - all of it.

We tell him that we will help him, be there for him, however the violence has to stop at all costs. That is our limit. He asks for help and privacy from public scrutiny while he tries to change. Impressed with his self-disclosure we agree to try and help. We believe he's trying to change. We're hopeful. We draw up a list of mutual agreements.

Then she shows up on our doorstep again, bruised and shaken. She has decided to leave him for good. I am at this moment more scared for her than I have ever been. I turn to her and ask her if she means it. If this is the last time - really. She says something just snapped in her. He pushed her and then kicked her and suddenly she just knew. "Knew what," I asked? "Knew that I don't deserve this - I don't deserve to get beaten." She's finally angry. She has finally accepted her worth. Tears spring to my eyes. This is the first time I have ever heard her say this. I'm shaking as I hold her. "You've taken a step," I whisper, "but it's not over yet. This is the hard part." The healing sometimes hurts more than the denial but at least when you are healed you own your self worth.

We're mostly heartbroken, but also angry; it's obvious he isn't changing. None of us know exactly what to do. We've already invested many years in this process hoping for change; now, though, he's broken through the boundary we all agreed to - no violence. We call battered centers and have long talks about what we are going through - they understand. We're scared about retribution on her. We set the rules if he is to stay. None of them are different than anything he hasn't already agreed to except this time if they are not followed through on he'll be asked to leave.

We seek advice from spirit, in meditation and prayer. We see we also need a break from him and ask for a six month hiatus. This is something he won't do. He leaves. Mostly we feel sadness, many of us loved him. We are heartbroken but also, sadly, relieved. We wished him the best, sincerely, but then came the threats and rumor spreading.

Our covens have suffered since he has left. He continues to stalk us with death threats and rumors. He swears to use the "gossip machine" of the community against us- to ruin us- to get back at us. Despite the restraining order against him, he still won't let go. He has threatened our lives and hers. He calls us a cult. He calls us demons. He says he will give our names to a cult deprogrammer, DSS, IRS, if we don't publicly say he doesn't have a problem. He threatens law suits that have no fact to them. It costs us money to protect ourselves, more than we can afford, but it is money well spent. (All of the above is paper and witness documented)

With more research I find that his vindictive behavior is not unusual. It can be very standard behavior for a batterer- unless they get help. In fact this story is less horrid than many - at least no one has been killed. We won't agree to be his victims and I won't agree to keep my silence. Silence is maintaining the denial.

We're all healing everyday. Now when I look across the circle at her I see the strength that was once used for survival now used to set her spirit free. She is moving out of the dark and into the light. Strong and confident when there was once fear and self denial. I see this transformation within her and I get a glimpse of the Spirit that was always meant to be. I ask myself would I go through this nightmare again? The answer is seen in her transformation - a resounding - yes.

Breaking the Silence - Threats and Violence are Crimes

Many of us in the community at large have been scared to speak our truths about what we've experienced because there has been so little understanding about this crime. Some people have spoken to us about their experiences of battering in the pagan and witchcraft community. They whisper the same concerns. The diminishing of the problem into "personality differences" when really the problem is about a crime. Some people who we've talked to won't talk about this publicly because of the threat of "witch wars". This leaves many people in the community silent and alone as they experience the crimes committed against them.

As we've become more public about what our experience has been more of these people have approached us with their stories. They call us "confidentially" to tell us they too are afraid. "We fear the criticism and the denial, the lack of understanding, or maybe worse the lack of action. We've already gone through so much from all of this so why invite more problems, more lack of understanding?"

Many of these people wonder at how they can receive these reactions in a community that tries to hold true to the one law it has "...harm none". But the reasons for these reactions are no different than why abuse exists in any society. For some it is just unbelievable that people could act in such extremes.

For others, they can't imagine it happening in our community. A few don't want to judge others no matter how clear the evidence is against them. Even further they don't want to engage in what they perceive as gossip. Yet how can we make this community safer from violence against each other if we don't speak out against it? Is it really OK in this community that someone in the public light has not accounted for their behavior to members of the community? How do we investigate rumors to find out the facts involved? These questions have answers we need to work toward together.

We suffer as a community from the same problems around domestic violence as the outside community and until we see this fact we have no chance of "walking our talk" as pagans and witches. All of us are representations of the divine. All of us are sacred - yet how can we practice this when people are getting beaten and they have no place to heal and be seen in the community? How do we end the silence? How do we end the violence?

Why I'm Breaking My Silence.

I'm breaking my silence for several reasons. I no longer want to play into the dynamic of being a "victim". (I will be using the word survivor instead of victim throughout the article) This behavior consists of "keeping secrets" rather than being open. I've also reached a place in my magical work where this behavior only blocks the healing I want for myself and the Earth (as well as everyone involved). This healing is at the center of my reasons.

I realize that part of the problem surrounding domestic violence is lack of education about what it is. Unfortunately, most of the people I know have learned about this type of behavior through experience with it. As a result of my experience I have done a lot of research and self-reflection about my own denial and behavior. I offer this experience as a way of education so that maybe one person won't have to go through what we've been through. Maybe also, through beginning this discourse, we can discover a way to deal with this problem that is productive for the community as a whole. My greatest hope about this problem is that we, as a community, find solutions that would not only heal the problem within our midst but also model a behavior to the outside world about what can be possible.

Defining the Problem - Who is a Batterer?

A batterer is anyone, male, female, young or old who uses threats, intimidation and eventually violence to establish and maintain control in a relationship. Obviously, issues of control exist in even the healthiest relationship; however it is a person's relationship to control that makes it a battering situation. To generalize a bit, a batterer may only be able to feel good about themselves unless they have control over another human being. Intimidation, guilt, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, jealousy are all ways a batterer or abusive personality may use to gain that control. There are no stereotypes about who batters and who doesn't. This type of relationship exists in all areas of society, rich or poor, all cultures, races and ages, and sexual identity. "Approximately one-third of the men counseled [for battering] at Emerge are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and their communities. These have included doctors, psychologists, lawyers, ministers, and business executives." (David Adams, "Identifying the Assaultive Husband in Court: You be the Judge." Boston Bar Journal, July/August 1989)

What is an Abusive Relationship

While a healthy relationship is about love and caring, an abusive one is about power and control. This type of behavior doesn't just categorize one single type of behavior or one stereotype just like there isn't only one way to show someone you love them. Abusive behavior can be emotional, economic, physical or all three.

Abusive relationships also consist of an ongoing pattern and issues around control. A relationship that may be abusive and not be violent can be as damaging and controlling but harder to see because the behavior may not go to the physical extreme. In this case a partner may have an easier time denying and rationalizing behavior that should be intolerable. Another type of non-physical abusive relationship is one in which has no history of outright violence but there an implied or outward threat that has an intimidating and terrorizing effect. Thus the woman (or man) doesn't leave the relationship because of this intimidation or fear of retribution.

Then there is the abusive relationship that is physically violent. Physically abusive relationships can be extremely dangerous. For example, 22-35 percent of women who visit medical emergency rooms are there for injuries related to ongoing partner abuse. If you know someone who is in a relationship that produces black eyes, broken fingers, bruises, threats, and punches, that person is in a seriously dangerous situation and needs help. Active physically abusive behavior can lead to hospitalization and murder.

Signs of An Abusive Relationship

Below I have listed signs of abusive behavior. These signs exist in an overall ongoing relationship pattern and are based on the need to control the other person in the relationship. This control is not the shift of balance that healthy partnerships may experience in a natural process of negotiation and compromise. That shift of balance is a healthy need to make sure your needs are being looked after in the relationship.

In an abusive relationship one partner has control over the behavior, the finances, and the emotional well being of the other partner or there is an ongoing power struggle in the relationship based on who is in control. This need of control can take many forms depending on the personalities involved and therefore can make them harder to identify. The following are some signs that a relationship is in trouble. (I want to stress here that in any relationship over a period of time one might find any of these behaviors. We are not always at our best with our partners, however, if any of the below behavior develops a chronic pattern, or ever leads to visiting the doctor because of physical damage received during a fight, there is a problem.) For example, if you find yourself checking some of the behaviors below, it is possible there is a power \ control issue in your relationship and maybe counseling is needed. Obviously the more behaviors you see the more problematic the situation and any threats and injuries that especially need medical attention are indications of a grave situation:

Name calling/put downs - angry verbal attacks, humiliating remarks or gestures, accusing, degrading comments about sexual identity.

Abusing trust - lying; withholding information; breaking the boundaries of the relationship, being jealous to an extreme.

Withholding of money - interfering with work, not letting someone work, threatening to report someone to welfare or other social service agencies.

Isolation from family or friends - preventing or making it difficult for someone to see friends and or relatives, monitoring phone calls; telling their partner where they can or can not go.

Breaking promises - Not following through on agreements; not taking fair responsibility; refusing to help with child care or housework.

Minimizing, denying & blaming - making light of behavior, saying abuse didn't happen, saying partner caused abuse, blaming all the abuse on stress.

Actual or threatened physical harm - making or carrying out threats to hurt their partner or others, being violent with partner's children or household pets, threatening suicide if they're partner doesn't give in. Slapping, punching, grabbing, kicking, choking, pushing, biting, burning, stabbing, shooting; etc.

Sexual assault - degrading treatment based on partners sex or sexual orientation, using force, threats or coercion to obtain sex or perform sexual acts, withholding sex.

Why Some Battered People Don't Leave

Despite the physical abuse, and often because of it, leaving the relationship can be a very difficult situation for the battered person. Part of these reasons stem directly from the abuse itself. For instance, it is very difficult for someone to leave a living situation when all of their money is under the control of the batterer.

There are also psychological reasons why it may be difficult to leave. The battered person in an attempt to justify the violation and betrayal that violence inflicts, may convince themselves that the batterer is getting better, is going to change, or this is the last time, even when evidence to the contrary is obvious. Or they may tell themselves that "this isn't happening so it's not so bad" Or they may play tough thinking "they can take it". A batterer is often outwardly personally charming and after an abusive period may then start to court the partner again, showering them with gifts, poetry, fine clothes and dinners. This contributes to the illusion that now the batterer has changed and of course this showering of gifts and tender love can be very convincing, since sometimes this is the only positive attention the partner is given.

The battered person then may gorge on this attention after feeling starved for affection otherwise. This "gorging" and then starving becomes part of an addictive pattern. The battered person craving the attention and knowing that it will come following an abusive episode can then play their part in creating a situation where the abuse continues. Understanding this dynamic is important for anyone outside the relationship; however, this should never excuse the abuse from the batterer. At this point in the dynamic both people need serious help in understanding what is going on. (Not all relationships reach this point or follow this pattern either)

Another reason for difficulty in leaving is the battered person's sense of self esteem in relationships. They may believe that somehow they brought the violence on themselves or deserve it for not being perfect in the way their mate needs them to be. This is an internalization of the abuse itself and until there is a breakthrough in their own self worth they may never leave the relationship.

The relationship myth that is established very early in the relationship also can have a powerful hold on both parties. This myth can be instrumental in cementing a "fatedness" about the couple being together that is very difficult to deny and then leave. An example of this myth is the potential survivor is the savior who can help the battered heal from the persecution of society. Often, in this dynamic, there is a "too good to be true" pattern setup by the abuser at the beginning of the relationship . The potential survivor is made to feel like the most wonderful person that the batterer has ever known, where he or she can't live without the potential survivor. In all seriousness, this is very true, for some batterers can't live without someone to control. The batterer forms a protective barrier around his victim, which invades all aspects of their lives and separates the potential survivor from anything that the batterer cannot control, including family, friends and coven mates, who are not beguiled by the batterer. The batterer needs all of his partner and will do whatever it takes to capture total focus of the same. Often the batterer is very sexually passionate, and will work to convince the partner that they will never find anyone as "good" anywhere else.

What We Can Do

If you are in the position of recognizing a batterer or potential survivor, I suggest that you talk to your local hotline for battered women. These services can be found in the phone book. Set up a meeting to talk to a counselor.

Explain the situation and if you feel comfortable, explain who you are and what you do. In these types of situations the more information people have to begin with the better off for you in the long run. I personally have had real good luck explaining who I am, on a spiritual level, in a way that meets with success and not suspicion. I also suggest contacting a local agency for men who batter, EMERGE. This organization has always been extremely helpful in talking about all related topics of battering abuse.

Protecting the Coven

For those of us in covens who may come across coven mates who are in abusive relationships, the road for recovery is a rocky one. This is a potentially explosive situation. Not only is there a risk for the batterer to seriously hurt a partner who leaves them, but there is a great potential for their wrath to overflow onto the coven who is trying to find safety for the battered person. This is because covens can take on a familial relationship structure. In the mundane society, family members of domestic violence survivors are specifically at risk of retribution, especially if they help the survivor. There are many examples of this behavior where members of the biological family are murdered along with the victim.

I have been in a situation where the batterer has actually threatened the life of coven mates, including myself. As leaders of covens or as coven mates our position in this regard can be precarious. If the coven or group is a small private affair, there may be threats to expose the people in the coven as devil worshippers to the general public. If your coven is a public one, there can be also threats of circulating rumors within the pagan community that, if not truly bothersome, in some way can also be dangerous to members of that coven and their respective family/work relationships. (I'm sure we're all aware of the many cases of divorce where this dynamic can also play out.)

What We Can Do to Protect Ourselves and Our Covens.

The first item I encourage covens and pagan groups to have is a written statement of policy regarding behavior considered abusive. This simple act creates a guideline within your group about what kind of behavior is tolerated and what isn't. This way, if you ever need a guideline in the future, one is already clear and in place.

Second, make notes of all visible signs of abuse. Keep a log of when you saw bruises, broken bones, insulting verbal attacks etc. This will not only be helpful in showing to the battered person if and when they decide to take the person to court, but also as a protection if you eventually need to ask the batterer to leave your group. This way, even if you do not show the log to the batterer you will have an exact record of the history of why you asked them to leave. Third, if the batterer is in your coven or group, confront the batterer directly.

In my personal experience, this can be an extremely hard thing to do. Often time they will refuse to admit the abuse took place or try to shift the blame onto someone else. Usually this blame falls on the other partner; however they could blame anyone or anything including you. I have seen, in coven situations, the blame shift onto the coven leaders because they were trying to confront the behavior. They then were reported to a cult deprogrammer with nothing close to the original abusive story. Once a shift like this happens you can almost be sure to be a target of their anger. Approaching the batterer in an controlled environment is almost imperative. I would also suggest having more than one person (preferably someone not involved with your coven but appraised of the situation) present in case the batterer gets violent or verbally abusive.

An abuser may also stop at nothing to make themselves look like the victim and vindicated in their actions. I have more than once seen an abuser strike out against family members, friends and coven mates who are trying to help them out of their destructive behavior. This lashing out can take the form of outright violence, manipulation, harassment, or even using the legal system by some false or trumped up charge. Having the statement of policy regarding abuse and a record documenting the details of abuse protects you from some of the ways a vindictive person may try to get back at you.

Addressing Those Involved

If the couple is both in the group it is important to be careful when confronting them. I suggest confronting both of them initially together and then individually so that there is no confusion of who said what to whom. You might also find that when separated, the survivor is able to be more forthcoming with information.

The following are some guidelines for approaching someone who you believe is being abused. I list them in detail because these situations can be life threatening. Not every situation is the same, so using your own educated self judgment is important but being careful not to minimize the situation and the potential danger is also crucial. You may want to adapt these guidelines for approaching a batterer.

1. Approach her/him in an understanding, non-blaming way to let her know that she is not alone, that there are many people in the same kind of situation. It takes strength to survive this situation and to trust someone to talk about it with, especially when trust has been broken in such a dramatic way.

2. Let her/him know that no one deserves to be beaten, humiliated, financially controlled or harassed.

3. Support her/him as a friend. Often women and men who are in these types of situations can not simply leave. There are many reasons for this. Having their lives or the lives of those they love threatened. Feeling that they somehow deserve the beatings. Not being able to independently support oneself or children financially. Feelings of isolation and shame. Hope that somehow the batterer or abuser will keep their promises of changing their behavior pattern. Through all of these reasons what a person needs most in this situation is the knowledge that there is a safe place in their relationship with you. Encourage her/him to express the hurt and anger while also allowing her/him to make their own decisions, even if they are unable or not ready to leave the relationship.

4. Go to the hospital with her/him if there has been any physical harm.

5. Violence is a crime. Help report the assault to the police, if she/he chooses to do so. Many women won't because they fear for their lives. This fear is real, as well as any threats. Pay attention to them. Thinking that threats are not real has led to many cases of murder and murder/suicides.

6. Provide phone numbers of shelters, battered women services, social services, emergency shelters, counseling services and legal advice. The yellow pages provides good up to date information.

7. Inform her/him about legal protection available in most states. Go with her/him to get a protective order to prevent further harassment by the abuser. Statistically, the most dangerous time period for someone leaving an abusive relationship is the two months following the end of the relationship.

8. Help plan safe ways to leave the relationship, However, never encourage someone to follow a plan that they feel will put them at further risk. I hope this information has been helpful. I encourage being open about these types of problems and welcome productive conversation and discourse. If you are in a situation and need someone to talk to feel free to write or call me. I'm not an expert or a counselor but I understand and will listen. Hopefully with a lot of work on our parts this problem will become one of the past.

In Faith, Aine

Reading resources for Domestic violence issues

Naming the Violence: Speaking Out Against Lesbian Battering. Lobel, kerry, ed. The Seal Press, Seattle, WA, 1986.

"A Guide For Clergy On The Problems of Domestic Violence," Pope-Lance, Deborah J and Engelsman, Joan Chamberlain. New Jersey Department of Community Affairs. 1990. (Mostly geared to mainstream clergy, however I did find some information helpful.)

When Love Goes Wrong: What To Do When You Can't Do A nything Right. Jones Ann and Schechter, Susan. Harper Collins, New York, NY, 1992

"Why Do Men Batter Their Wives." Ptacek, James. In MN Bograd & K Yllo (Eds.) Feminist Perspectives on Wife Abuse. Sage, Beverly Hills, CA 1988

Breaking Free From Partner Abuse: Voices of Battered Women Caught in the Cycle of Domestic Violence. Maracek, Mary. Morning Glory Press, Buena Park, CA, 1993

I Can't Get Over It: A handbook for Trauma Survivors. Marsakis, Aphrodite. New Harbinger, Oakland, CA, 1992.